metanoia
(n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.
I'm thinking about this past year. The one that's about to escape into the night and get lost in the fuzzy memories and blanket statements of that seems like just yesterday. In order to properly think about this quickly escaping year, I also start to think about the years that came before it. The years that when thrown into some great mathematical equation of the universe somehow resulted in the present. It shouldn't matter - the past that is. Yet somehow it does.
When you're going through the dark alleys, clogged-up highways, country roads and city blocks of something like life, the path you're on doesn't always seem to make sense. It's not until you arrive at a place where the fog gets lifted enough from the things that make up the journey, that you're finally able to look back and see how everything you once did, resulted in everything you've ever done. How everything at the time it was happening seemed insignificant like a fallen leaf on the side of the road. Yet, once you are able to look back, so much of it starts to make sense. How every seemingly insignificant moment or thing that has ever happened, resulted in you being exactly where you are today.
When you're going through the dark alleys, clogged-up highways, country roads and city blocks of something like life, the path you're on doesn't always seem to make sense. It's not until you arrive at a place where the fog gets lifted enough from the things that make up the journey, that you're finally able to look back and see how everything you once did, resulted in everything you've ever done. How everything at the time it was happening seemed insignificant like a fallen leaf on the side of the road. Yet, once you are able to look back, so much of it starts to make sense. How every seemingly insignificant moment or thing that has ever happened, resulted in you being exactly where you are today.
I started thinking about all of this the other day when I was looking through photos of myself over the past year to put into a collage. The first image was taken in January of this year. The last image was taken just the other week. All the rest were from all the months in between. As I looked at these images, I was reminded of myself. Who I feel like I am today and who I've been over the last 12 months. Each image told me a different story and pulled me back into those parts of my life. My brain flashed with the memories that surrounded each. In an instant I was remembering the random thoughts I had during each chunk of my life that each of these images represented, the people who helped make the memories of those moments, the places I’ve traveled to and then of course, the people who are part of the present but had yet to make themselves known during some of these times. And likewise, the people who once were, but are no more.
It's funny how we don't really see ourselves change until a transformation is complete. Some people seem to think that for better or worse, people never really change. I'm not sure that's accurate. I think we're always changing. That we can learn and grow and evolve as time moves forward. I think if you want something or want to be something, you can. That anything is possible.
For what it’s worth, a lot of the events that happened in the past year weren’t really that great - on the surface anyway. But, if I stop and dig a little deeper into what all of it was really about, I’m able to see there were absolutely a bunch of wonderful silver linings. Things had to happen to make way for the things that are going to happen. For me, I think this year was about learning to shift my perspective. About learning that it’s okay to go after the things I want. That I’m just as deserving of happiness as the next person. That I’m capable of shaping myself and my life into anything that I want. Hell, I’ve even come to terms with the fact that I have feelings… lots of them. ;-)
Writing is hard for me… it pulls at the emotional strings that I’m only recently letting myself connect to. As hard as it might be, it’s something that I need to do. It’s something that keeps me going. I feel like I have so much that needs to be said. That I have a story living in me that needs to be told. That I’m just now starting to connect with the voice in me that I’ve spent my entire life trying to get out. It’s a scary trip to take, but one that I think I have to make if I’m ever going to find my wonderland.
With that, I would like to wish you all a happy last day of the year. And a happy first day of the new year. And a happy rest of the year after that. I hope you all find something that you’re looking for - whether it’s on the side of the road in a ditch at 2am wearing a tutu and cowboy boots or in your heart... I encourage you to go find your happy. It’s out there somewhere. :-)
It's funny how we don't really see ourselves change until a transformation is complete. Some people seem to think that for better or worse, people never really change. I'm not sure that's accurate. I think we're always changing. That we can learn and grow and evolve as time moves forward. I think if you want something or want to be something, you can. That anything is possible.
For what it’s worth, a lot of the events that happened in the past year weren’t really that great - on the surface anyway. But, if I stop and dig a little deeper into what all of it was really about, I’m able to see there were absolutely a bunch of wonderful silver linings. Things had to happen to make way for the things that are going to happen. For me, I think this year was about learning to shift my perspective. About learning that it’s okay to go after the things I want. That I’m just as deserving of happiness as the next person. That I’m capable of shaping myself and my life into anything that I want. Hell, I’ve even come to terms with the fact that I have feelings… lots of them. ;-)
Writing is hard for me… it pulls at the emotional strings that I’m only recently letting myself connect to. As hard as it might be, it’s something that I need to do. It’s something that keeps me going. I feel like I have so much that needs to be said. That I have a story living in me that needs to be told. That I’m just now starting to connect with the voice in me that I’ve spent my entire life trying to get out. It’s a scary trip to take, but one that I think I have to make if I’m ever going to find my wonderland.
With that, I would like to wish you all a happy last day of the year. And a happy first day of the new year. And a happy rest of the year after that. I hope you all find something that you’re looking for - whether it’s on the side of the road in a ditch at 2am wearing a tutu and cowboy boots or in your heart... I encourage you to go find your happy. It’s out there somewhere. :-)
