4: Cracks In The Concrete

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” 

― Anaïs Nin

I feel like the floodgates are opening. Like I'm falling, floating, sinking and swimming all at once. Like maybe, I'm feeling things for the first time in my life. Sure, I've always felt things - regardless of how much I've denied it, wanted to believe it wasn't the case or was convinced that I was in fact, not human. But, I've rarely let myself feel things... ya know, in the way that you first accept and acknowledge the fact that you're feeling something and then give it the opportunity to run free, twist, turn, scream, yell, dance around and be everything it needs to be at the time.

For the life of me, I can't understand why I've always been so terrified of emotions, of feeling things, of admitting that I'm human. All I know is that somewhere along the way (very early along the way), I came to the conclusion that I wasn't supposed to be weak, that things weren't supposed to bother me, and that somehow, the world demanded this of me and wouldn't accept me any other way. Apparently, I've done a decent job of fooling most of the people I've met over the years or maybe I was just fooling myself. Either way, I completely adopted and embraced the tough girl routine. Fake it till you make it, right? Riiiight.

It's almost comical, in that ridiculous way that only life can be, how we come to be the people that we are. How one thing leads to another and from there things that are good or bad, grow and develop from whatever foundation of ideas and beliefs have taken deep root in our brains and hearts. How who we feel we are and who we think we should be often end up in bed together wrapped tightly in sheets made of cognitive dissonance creating this other person entirely.

And then, it gets nearly palm to the face ridiculous when you finally come to a place where you can take a few steps back, look at all of these conflicting ideas and wonder why in the hell any of us ever think, for even one second, that we have to be something or aren't allowed to be something else. It's fucking absurd. Seriously. Think about it... We all have at least a few of these ideas or beliefs floating around in us that we ultimately take on as part of who we are, either internally or externally. We develop fears (mostly irrational ones), about who or how we should be and then let it hinder, weigh us down and then ultimately let it impact how we live our lives, the chances we take, and the dreams we're willing to go after.

I don't remember anyone in my life ever telling me that I wasn't allowed to or shouldn't have feelings. Not once. In fact, I remember people telling me I was building walls. Walls that at one point in time, China would have been envious of. Yet, there I was completely convinced that becoming some robot girl was the way it had to be. That it was the only way I could be. What's amusing is that as far as I was concerned, emotions and feelings were always perfectly acceptable for everyone else to have - just so I didn't have to deal with them myself. I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment at any drops of emotion that somehow managed to trickle in through an unknown crack in my carefully crafted walls.

As the years went on, I got better and better at patching cracks, reinforcing walls, and keeping everything and everyone out. All while keeping a huge part of me tucked away and hidden from the world. A part of me, that no matter how hard I tried to shut up and block out, never gave up dreaming that someday she would find a way to escape, breaking down all the walls in the process.

My fortress was safe. And for whatever reason, it was apparently necessary for me and my life. But you know what... the world just isn't any fun in a fortress built for one. It's flat, lacks meaning and is lonely beyond belief. It's debilitating and limiting and while it served its purpose for a lot of years, it was time for it to go.

I wrote most of this the other month and then stopped because it got to be too much. I wanted to finish it and I wanted to share it, but I managed to talk to myself out of it. Today, I decided to talk myself back into it. I think this was definitely something that I had to write. Something that I needed to acknowledge. Something that I now need to throw out into the universe and start to let go of.

3: Metanoia - the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.

metanoia

(n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

I'm thinking about this past year. The one that's about to escape into the night and get lost in the fuzzy memories and blanket statements of that seems like just yesterday. In order to properly think about this quickly escaping year, I also start to think about the years that came before it. The years that when thrown into some great mathematical equation of the universe somehow resulted in the present. It shouldn't matter - the past that is. Yet somehow it does.

When you're going through the dark alleys, clogged-up highways, country roads and city blocks of something like life, the path you're on doesn't always seem to make sense. It's not until you arrive at a place where the fog gets lifted enough from the things that make up the journey, that you're finally able to look back and see how everything you once did, resulted in everything you've ever done. How everything at the time it was happening seemed insignificant like a fallen leaf on the side of the road. Yet, once you are able to look back, so much of it starts to make sense. How every seemingly insignificant moment or thing that has ever happened, resulted in you being exactly where you are today.

I started thinking about all of this the other day when I was looking through photos of myself over the past year to put into a collage. The first image was taken in January of this year. The last image was taken just the other week. All the rest were from all the months in between. As I looked at these images, I was reminded of myself. Who I feel like I am today and who I've been over the last 12 months. Each image told me a different story and pulled me back into those parts of my life. My brain flashed with the memories that surrounded each. In an instant I was remembering the random thoughts I had during each chunk of my life that each of these images represented, the people who helped make the memories of those moments, the places I’ve traveled to and then of course, the people who are part of the present but had yet to make themselves known during some of these times. And likewise, the people who once were, but are no more.

It's funny how we don't really see ourselves change until a transformation is complete. Some people seem to think that for better or worse, people never really change. I'm not sure that's accurate. I think we're always changing. That we can learn and grow and evolve as time moves forward. I think if you want something or want to be something, you can. That anything is possible.

For what it’s worth, a lot of the events that happened in the past year weren’t really that great - on the surface anyway. But, if I stop and dig a little deeper into what all of it was really about, I’m able to see there were absolutely a bunch of wonderful silver linings. Things had to happen to make way for the things that are going to happen. For me, I think this year was about learning to shift my perspective. About learning that it’s okay to go after the things I want. That I’m just as deserving of happiness as the next person. That I’m capable of shaping myself and my life into anything that I want. Hell, I’ve even come to terms with the fact that I have feelings… lots of them. ;-)

Writing is hard for me… it pulls at the emotional strings that I’m only recently letting myself connect to. As hard as it might be, it’s something that I need to do. It’s something that keeps me going. I feel like I have so much that needs to be said. That I have a story living in me that needs to be told. That I’m just now starting to connect with the voice in me that I’ve spent my entire life trying to get out. It’s a scary trip to take, but one that I think I have to make if I’m ever going to find my wonderland.

With that, I would like to wish you all a happy last day of the year. And a happy first day of the new year. And a happy rest of the year after that. I hope you all find something that you’re looking for - whether it’s on the side of the road in a ditch at 2am wearing a tutu and cowboy boots or in your heart... I encourage you to go find your happy. It’s out there somewhere. :-)

2: Level 1: The Hamster Wheel

“Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.”

― Rosa Luxemburg

What scares me the most isn’t the unknown. It’s the thought of falling back into the known - the routine, the daily reminder that I’ll never escape the hamster wheel but will always be horribly aware of its existence. Do you know the story of Hannah the hamster? Likely not, as I haven’t told it to you yet. Well, it goes something like this.

Hannah the hamster is a tortured soul. This wasn’t always the case, but as things go, there was that one fateful day that changed everything. That day started out like any other - waking up, some aimless wandering back and forth, a little food and then she was off to her wheel to burn herself out. She hopped on and starting running. “This is great, I’m being so productive!”, she thought. She kept at it for hours thinking she was really getting somewhere. And this was exactly how she spent her days. Content and blissfully unaware that anything outside of her cage and beloved wheel even existed.

Finally she tripped and fumbled a little bit which caused her to stop and look around. For whatever reason, this fall opened her eyes to things she had never really seen... She was still in her cage. All the work she did and she was still in the exact place she started. It suddenly hit her that no matter how much or how hard she ran, she never actually went anywhere. She looked up at the wheel and was horribly confused. She felt this need for it, because well, what would she do without it? But then she also wondered why she actually needed it if it wasn’t getting her where she wanted to go, let alone anywhere at all.

Hannah then slumped back against the wheel as her confusion turned into anger and then depression and finally apathy. She might have been slumped against that wheel for days by the time she finally snapped out of the haze from the sinking spiral she had fallen into. She had come to terms with the fact that the wheel was a lie, but she also wondered what she was supposed to do now. She didn’t have many options, so she thought that maybe if she tried the wheel again she could somehow forget everything that had consumed her thoughts in the past few days. Hannah jumped on it and started to run and run and run. She tried to block out the thoughts, but the more she ran the more she felt the wheel taunting her. She came to a dead stop and suddenly realized that she needed a plan - an escape plan. Hannah knew she had to beat the dreaded hamster wheel - no matter what. She had to find out what was out there. So, she started plotting…

Yeah okay, sure, Hannah is a hamster and that was just a story, but think about it… are any of us that much different? We get up everyday and more or less do exactly what we did the day before. We accept our reality for what it is and while we might not like or enjoy the bulk of it, we continue to go along with it. Because well, what the hell else are we supposed to do? This life of ours is built upon convention and routine and we all seem to fall into it just because it’s the way we’ve been taught. Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that convention and routine are bad things. They, just like everything else, have a time and place and ultimately serve some purpose in life. Beyond that, some people are really able to thrive when their life is built on such ideas.

I however, am not one of those people. The thought of going through the same routines everyday for the rest of any amount of time is beyond dreadful. It feels like a 3 ton weight pulling me further and further into this vast darkness. It feels like doom and gloom. It feels like waking up and realizing that you’re just a hamster trapped in a cage (or a rat if you’re Billy Corgan) and no matter how hard or fast you run, you’re never actually going to go anywhere. And this my friends, has been one of my life-long struggles.

So, that brings me to the question of the hour, week and maybe even year… how does someone who doesn’t play well with the standard conventional life find a way to live happily in a world that demands convention? I wish I knew. God, how I’ve wished a bolt of lightning would come down from the sky and strike me with that magical ah-ha moment I’ve been after for as long as I can remember. And oh, how I’m envious of those people that have always had some grand life plan. That have felt a calling for something so strong that they’ve never had a doubt about the way their life was supposed to work - or at least the way they wanted their life to work. Yeah, I know, these people are likely a rare species, but seriously… to have that feeling of certainty in life, is completely envy-inspiring.  That said, regardless of how certain any of us are about anything at all, we all struggle with something in life. We might have clarity and perfection in some areas of our lives, yet be complete and total disasters when it comes to other areas. Unless of course you’re some super human who is amazing at everything. Then seriously, we all hate you - so I guess at the very least, you have that to deal with.

I saw this cartoon once that showed a crowd of people all walking around with tiny thought bubbles over their heads that all went to one collective bubble and had the text - “All these people really seem to have it together, and I still have no idea what’s going on”. It was a simple cartoon that beautifully illustrated the human condition and our collective problem of always thinking that we are the only person in the world screwing things up while everyone else has everything figured out. Let me tell you something about that - we are all confused. Seriously. I don’t care how together anyone seems, at the end of the day there is still something that keeps them awake at night, that tortures their thoughts, that makes them feel inadequate or incapable. We all have something that eats at us - I promise.

I feel like I’ve potentially jumped from one point to another with all of this and some of it might seem like it’s unrelated. However, as far as my brain and the way things are connected in there go, everything I’ve told you today is linked together by the same theme - struggle. While I’m not going to wander down the path of philosophical ramblings on this concept, (at least not today, anyway) I am going to ask you to put that concept and everything I’ve told you in the context of your own life. And with that, I’ll leave you for now.

1: The universe and the rabbit hole

“Where should I go?" -Alice.

"That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.”

I feel like Alice. Like I’m staring down at this rabbit hole and trying to decide if I should jump or not. Actually, scratch that - I’m pretty sure I’m already in the rabbit hole falling or spinning towards something that has yet to become clear. The universe apparently decided it was time and pushed me before I had the chance to make up my mind. Which I suppose is fair - I probably could have spent 100 years standing at the edge trying to decide if I should jump or not.

My life, as I’ve know it, is over. No, I’m not dead and talking to you from some unknown realm. Well, actually I am talking to you from some unknown realm, but I’m not dead. It’s more like the person I was, which is not who I am, and the life she lived, ran out in the middle of the night for milk and cigarettes and simply never came back. And lets be real, the bitch didn’t even leave a note. 

At this point, I’m starting to wonder if any of it ever really existed or if maybe, just maybe, all of it was something I dreamed up one night. But that is neither here nor there. You see, the thing about reality and time is that we can’t be sure if either actually exist. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and even 300 years from now, could all very well be the same thing. And the things that our brains recognize as reality, are likely no more real than the dreams we had yesterday or will have 33 sleeps from now. While everything can seem permanent, the truth of it is, it’s not - it’s all very temporary and more often than not, largely dependent upon things that are out of our control. 

You see, in the way of one thing leads to another, things have this way of happening… first slowly, over time, and then suddenly, all at once. While we are all caught up completing the daily tasks that we’ve deemed important and necessary in creating our existence, the universe is at work in a place that is generally beyond our awareness, quietly piecing together the life we have yet to meet.

The thing that you have to understand about all of this, and well maybe everything, is that the universe has a rhythm that will go on with or without us. It’s a rhythm so strong and unique that it will continue going along its merry little way regardless of how much we protest, kick and scream, or try to hold onto whatever we can in hopes of getting our way. And this my friends, is exactly the reason your entire reality and everything you know can run out on you in the middle of the night without so much as a proper goodbye.

At this point you might be wondering how I ended up in the rabbit hole and furthermore, who I am and why I’m telling you all of this. We’ll get to that… eventually.

Start Here

One more, and then I'll go...

A story about holding on, letting go and finding a way to paint the world the most brilliant shades of weird.

What you’re about to read isn’t about me. Not in any real sense, anyway. What it is about, is all of us - the beautifully messy human creatures that we are. The ones who mostly mean well, but almost always get lost or manage to screw it up while trying to survive.

For any of this to make sense, you first need to realize that everything I’m about to tell you could have, and most likely has, happened in the lives of countless people - maybe even yours. Because of the way I’m going to tell you all of this, it’s important to understand that every part will likely be a finely concocted mixture of actual events, imaginary details, and stories I’ve heard along the way, that will all get blended into an easily digestible piece of "fiction".

While I might be the narrator and the main character (weird, I know) this is not a story of my life. I’m not really that important in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, I’m just here to help you understand a few things. But, because every story needs a main character, someone to relate to, someone to live vicariously through, someone to blame, and then someone to help makes sense of it all, I’m going to tell you all of this as though it happened to me. The other thing that you need to understand is that I’m just like you. And you’re just like everyone else.